The loss of their mother and the challenge of having to join a family who they did not know well was incredibly traumatic for the pair. Shaheen says that the first six months were particularly difficult. “They didn’t accept us, and they were not accepting our grandchildren. We asked ourselves whether we had done the right thing, whether we could find a way to help the children overcome their grief and settle with us.”

Yet, over time, Shaheen and his wife began to build a relationship with the children, earning their trust by providing stability in a loving home. “We had to be patient, to listen and to understand what they were trying to tell us. They needed to know that we were here for them, that we weren’t going to give up on them. We were not trying to replace their mother, but offering the love and support that they would expect to have with their own family.”

Almost three years later, Shaheen says the children are settled and accepting of his family. “We have seen a profound change. We are a family and the children are very much part of our family.” They have started to call them Mummy and Dad and the foster daughter has become a trusted friend to Shaheen’s disabled adult daughter.

Shaheen says: “If you had asked me a few years ago whether I felt able to parent a child through trauma I might have said no. Now, looking back, I can see that we have found a way to make a connection and to be there for children when they needed us.” 

Tammi and Peter’s Story

Tammi and Peter, who foster for Rochdale Council, now have several years of experience of fostering children with trauma. But like Shaheen, they had little time to prepare when the call came, seven years ago.

“We were asked if we could care for two brothers,” recalls Tammi. “One had suffered severe trauma at just five months and was severely disabled. It wasn’t clear whether he would be able to walk or talk.

“I panicked; I’m not going to lie. It was scary at first. I wasn’t sure if we would be able to cope. I was terrified of failing, of letting the children down. But we came into fostering to help children, and you can’t choose who needs your help.”

Today the children are in mainstream school, walking and talking, and Tammi and Peter are in the process of adopting them.
Caring for children in trauma requires making adjustments to your own life and working with a team of specialists, says Tammi, but above all you have to have confidence in your own ability to overcome challenges. “I knew in the back of my mind that I could do it. It is about having the belief in yourself.”

Louise, who fosters for Stockport Council and has been a foster carer for 13 years, says she did not fully understand trauma when she began her fostering journey. “I didn’t appreciate what it would feel like to live with children in trauma.

“Every child is different. Siblings can experience the same events but respond in very different ways. There is no roadmap, no textbook. I feel like I am a detective looking for clues.” Experience teaches you that significant disclosures come when you least expect it, she says. “You might be driving or on a phone call, when a child can begin to talk about something which really helps you to understand what they are struggling to cope with.” 

Supporting each other through trauma

Tammi and Louise agree that fostering children with trauma can have a significant impact on carers, which needs to be recognised and managed. “You need to be open about your feelings and anxieties; share your doubts with your supervising social worker,” says Tammi. “You need to feel able to reach out for support so that you can continue to do your best for your children.”

Louise says that foster carers helping children through trauma need a really strong support network. Now a Mockingbird hub carer and a trained counsellor, Louise says that secondary trauma and compassion fatigue are real issues that can be managed with the right support. “It is important for secondary trauma to be recognised in foster care, just as it is in nursing and the police.”

People who are considering fostering should not be discouraged by the issue of trauma in children, she says. “You don’t have to be a perfect person to work through their trauma. It is about having a strong sense of community and justice, and strength of character. These are the people that children need.”