The one thing you’re never prepared for is the admin and paperwork. You will be writing daily diary notes to record the child’s progress and significant events, and tracking expenses. You will become the focal point for interaction between a large group of professionals and will be attending regular meetings to provide updates on how things are going at home.

The good news is, you won’t be won’t be taking this journey alone. Your fostering service will be there to support you and you’ll connect with people in schools and the health service who have lots of experience with helping children and young people in care. You become a valued member of a skilled and dedicated team. 

Geoff, foster carer and vice chair of the Stockport Foster Carers Association , says: “When you think about fostering, you have to consider what your strengths are and what type of fostering you are best for. Decide what is right for you and your family.”

Keith and Julie have fostered for Bolton Council since 2013. Keith is a ‘buddy’ carer to other carers and represents the fostering community on Bolton’s corporate parenting panel.  

“Fostering is one of the hardest things we have done but also the most rewarding,” Keith says. “We now have this extended family, which is so satisfying.” The couple have extended their house twice to accommodate their growing family, which now also includes grandchildren. 

“We definitely chose the right time in our lives to foster, when our work lives were more settled and our children were older. Now I can’t imagine what our lives would be like without fostering.” 

Ilyas, a Bolton Council foster carer since 2016, also finds time to support the recruitment of new foster carers locally.  “We thought about it for a long time, because we were not sure we could handle it,” he says. “But we wanted to make a difference and to give something back. So, we put ourselves forward and are so pleased that we did.” 

Stephen was approved to foster with Manchester City Council just over a year ago and has been providing short breaks for vulnerable children to support foster families. Stephen combines fostering with his job as a member of Manchester City Council’s virtual school team. “More than a year on I can say that it’s possibly been the best decision of my life,” says Stephen. “It can be extremely challenging and always exhausting but I love it.”

What does the training involve?

Training is a crucial aspect of fostering and you will have access to an extensive training package. This begins with the Skills to Foster course before you can be approved as a foster carer and will continue throughout your fostering life. 

Skills to Foster is a three-day introductory training course designed to give you an insight into the role of a foster carer, the expectations of you and your family, and a guide to how you will work with other important people in a foster child’s life, including their birth family, social workers, legal guardians and independent reviewing officers. 

“Skills to Foster gives you time for reflection, says Bolton-based foster carer, Keith. “It is intense but it is there for a good reason. It prepares you well for the challenges you will face but it also inspires you to want to do your best for children. 

Sufia, who fosters for Oldham Council, says she really enjoys the training sessions. “I like taking the theoretical knowledge and applying it every day, caring for the children.” When she and her husband first attended the Skills to Foster course, they decided to wait until the family was ready for fostering. “Skills to Foster was a wake-up call the first time we did it, and we realised the time wasn’t right. But we were determined to come back when we were ready, and we did.”

Training continues throughout your time as a foster carer and covers a wide range of subjects, from paediatric first aid and safeguarding to county lines, online safety and caring for unaccompanied asylum-seeking children. 

Training sessions take place in-person or online. As well as supporting your professional and personal development, they are an opportunity to meet other foster carers and to support each other. 

Steve, who fosters for Tameside Council with his wife Karen, says: “The training has been massively beneficial. Years later, we still draw on what we learned during Skills to Foster.” 

How good is the support you get? 

Consistent and empathetic support is absolutely vital for foster carers and for the children and young people in their care. You should expect your fostering service to be at your side and to help you through the challenges you will undoubtedly face. In recent times, local councils have been giving greater priority to fostering and looking at ways to improve the support that is available. 

An example of innovation in fostering support is the Mockingbird programme, which aims to recreate the support available through an extended family network. It brings together up to 10 fostering families around a home hub carer, providing a sense of community. For example, carers within each ‘constellation’ can cover for each other in the way that children who are not in care can go to stay with a grandparent or an aunt. 

People who have been fostering for several years will tell you that support ebbs and flows over time. The level of support that you need will vary, depending on the needs of the children you are looking after and, perhaps, how long they have been in foster care. When children are settled you may feel that you need less support than at other times. 

Support will also depend on the team assembled around the child. Having a good social worker or contact supervisor makes all the difference in the world. You will become more resourceful as you gain experience and build your own network of support and contacts. 

Tammi and Peter have fostered for Rochdale Council for seven years. They are able to provide care to a number of children at the same time and care for children with special needs. Tammi says: “Rochdale have been really good in supporting us with a strong team, including a paediatrician and occupational therapist. We also have a really good supervising social worker.” 

Andy, who has fostered for Tameside Council since 2021 after transferring from an independent agency, says he and his wife Ruth feel that foster carers’ concerns are listened to. “We meet the fostering service management team every quarter, when we can raise any issues that need to be addressed.”

How does fostering affect your wider family, like grandparents and children?

When children in care come to live in your home, they become part of your family. The hope is that they will take part in family activities and routines, just like your own children. It may take time for them to settle and to feel comfortable in this unfamiliar environment, and you will need to be patient and offer plenty of encouragement. 

The whole family has a part to play in helping the child to feel at home. This includes any children living at home but also other family members, such as grandparents or aunts and uncles. Family gatherings can be daunting for foster children, but they also provide an opportunity to reassure them and help to build enduring relationships. The more inclusive they are, the happier a foster child will be. It will also make life easier for you as the foster carer. 

Your children will be sharing their parents time and affection with another child they have only just met. Some will relish the opportunity to have another playmate in the house, others will take time to get used to such a big change. They may also witness behaviours that they know to be inappropriate and will reflect on your response, so it is not unusual for foster carers’ own children to put your patience to the test, particularly during those early days. For example, a newly-arrived child who is not used to sitting at the dinner table for meals, or to eating certain food, may give your children an excuse for not eating their greens! 

Katie combines being a mum with her role as a foster carer for Trafford Council. She says her two children have embraced the experience, learning from other children who share their home.  “I would promote more people to foster with their children,” Katie says. “It makes them more empathetic and understanding, and having your own children at home can help foster children to settle.” 

Josh says that he really appreciates how his parents Steve and Karen took his own feelings into account before they applied to foster for Tameside Council. “It is a big decision for all the family so you have to be sure everyone supports you,” Josh says. “It has been beneficial to myself and I have really enjoyed it.” 

Michaela, who fosters for Oldham Council, says that she and her husband waited until their two children were a little older before applying. The wait also gave Michaela more time to gain experience of working with children through her role as a teaching assistant. “We waited until the children were a little bit older, and I don’t think we could have done it sooner. But now they are more grown up they have really embraced it.” 

Remember that your family will have made a big adjustment to welcome a new child into their lives, and they may also feel a deep sense of loss when they move on. Helping them to understand and manage this process will become an important part of your foster care life. 

How do you deal with challenging behaviour? 

There is a common misconception that all children who come into foster care will present ‘challenging behaviour.’ This is certainly not always true. Many children and young people quickly settle in their new homes and will respond positively to the stability you provide. The ‘challenges’ you face will be no different to those you get from any other children you know. Children and young people will test boundaries put in place by grown-ups. This is a normal part of childhood development. 

But there will be times when you will face challenging behaviour, including aggression, destructiveness or self-harm. It may be a coping strategy or a response to the trauma they experienced before they came to live with you. Poor health, lack of sleep, emotional upset and changes to routine can all contribute. 

Tammi, who fosters for Rochdale Council with her husband Peter, says caring for children with trauma or with special needs can be challenging but also feels hugely rewarding as you see the progress that children and young people make. “I panicked; I’m not going to lie,” she says. “But I went into this to help children and you can’t chose who needs your help. At the back of my mind I knew I could do it.”

Learning how to deal with challenging behaviour in your foster child is an essential part of caring for them. Maintaining a positive approach will really help, even if deep down you feel frustrated and tired. Negativity can exacerbate aggression and anti-social behaviour, as well as affecting their mental health and self-esteem. It’s important to remain as calm as you can. 

Having open conversations and setting clear boundaries are important.  Giving a child positive choices helps them to make their own decisions and take ownership. This is important, given that children in care often feel that decisions have been made that they feel they have no control over.

One of the best ways to help a child to process their emotions in a positive way is to share how you deal with your own emotions. Talk to them about how they are feeling and explain what you do to lighten your mood when you are feeling low. It really helps.

Donna, who fosters for Manchester City Council, says that sometimes it is good for young people with trauma to realise that you don’t have all the answers but are prepared to work with them to find a way.  “It is important for young people to see that it isn’t always easy for you, and that you have feelings and that you are prepared to make compromises and adjustments.” 

Have you experienced any traumatic incidents during your time as a foster carer?

Childhood trauma is an inseparable part of being in care. Children are likely to have suffered abuse or neglect before they came into care. They also suffer trauma due to the fact that they are unable to live with their mums and dads and have to fit in with a new family. They may have moved several times before coming to live with you, and fully expect to move again. 

Louise fosters for Stockport Council. She has been fostering for 13 years and is also a trained counsellor. “I feel more trauma-informed now. I’m like a detective, always looking for clues to understand the children’s trauma and how I can help them.”

As a foster parent you will be helping children and young people to live with this trauma and develop strategies to find a way through. Trauma will not go away: it will be part of the adults they become, with persistent reminders that their lives were disrupted and that nothing can be taken for granted. A middle-aged person with care experience may still have anxieties about food or raised voices, and may still struggle to feel like they belong. 

No two children are the same. Even siblings who were growing up in the same home and living through similar experiences will respond in different ways. You may have very little information about what has happened, and no relatives who can talk you through their family history. You will learn about the child and your insights will provide other professionals around the child with the information that is critical to developing a care plan that will help them to grow up safely and healthily and to fulfil their potential.

Shaheen became a foster carer unexpectedly when two children connected to his family lost their mother. The children initially struggled to settle with Shaheen’s family. Shaheen and his wife searched for the best way to support the children through their grief while also trying to manage the impact on other family members. 

Shaheen says: “The children had suffered so much loss and we knew it would take a long time for them to begin to recover. We wanted to be there for them.” 

It is important to remember that it is not only children in care who live with trauma. Loss, separation, hardship and disappointment are part of all of our lives, to one degree or another, and make us the people we become. Your own difficult experiences can be used to help you understand some of what you foster children are struggling to come to terms with.

The Skills to Foster course will help you begin to understand the impact of trauma and develop your first thoughts about how you will approach this in your own home. Trauma-informed training will be available throughout your fostering career. You will also be supported by other professionals with experience of parenting children through trauma. Fellow foster carers will always be happy to help. 

Keith , an experienced foster carer for Bolton Council, says that he has seen positive outcomes through his care of children with trauma. “It can be challenging, but it is about trying to understand why children do what they do.” 

How do you approach the first night with a new foster child? 

When children arrive at your home they are likely to be scared and frustrated. Don’t be fooled by any bravado. A child who seems calm on the outside is almost certainly in turmoil on the inside. This is not where they want to be and they have probably had no say in it. They are worried for themselves, worried about their parents and worried about their brothers and sisters. 

Be warm and friendly but not overbearing. Don’t expect too much. They have a lot to process and your feelings are likely to be very low on their list of priorities. Plan a quiet day which will give children space to adjust to their new surroundings and reflect on the events of the past few hours and days, including time on their own if this is what they want. 

Show children around the house. Open doors and cupboards so they can see that there is nothing scary hidden behind them. Make sure they know where the bathroom is and tell them who, if anyone, also uses it. 

Food is very important to most looked after children, particularly if there’s been a history of neglect. Talk with them about their favourite foods and the things they don’t like. Emphasise that there is plenty to eat in the house and that this is one thing they don’t have to worry about. 

Keith, a Bolton Council foster carer with more than 10 years’ experience, says: “The first night can be daunting because children may feel confused or angry and you may not yet have all the information about them. Focus on essentials, like preparing something to eat and showing them where things are in the home.”

Children may arrive at very short notice and with few belongings, if any. Keep a supply of essential items and spare clothes if you can. Reassure them that together you will get what they need over the following days. 

All this will help children to settle at bedtime. But be prepared for a broken night. Even if the child sleeps well, you will probably have so much on your mind that you will be restless, worrying about what lies ahead. 

Carmelah, who fosters for Stockport Council, has two younger children of her own. She says: “It really helps young children to know that there are other children in the house and to see that there are toys and games for them to play with.”

How does involvement with birth families work?

When children come into care they bring with them their family history. As their foster carer, you will hear a lot about their parents and siblings, grandparents and extended family. Some of it will be positive, some of it less so. A child’s recollection of events at home may be confused, so you may need to do a bit of detective work to piece together a family narrative. 

Despite this familiarity through the children, you may actually have very limited direct contact with the birth family. This will depend on the circumstances of each placement and what the long-term plan is for the children. 

The care plan may include family time with a parent or grandparent at designated times each week. This is likely to be managed by a contact supervisor and could take place at a local family centre or in the community. The foster carer may not be directly involved in this arrangement and will have limited contact with the birth family, if any at all. 

Although children generally look forward to family time, it is also an emotionally-charged event which reminds everybody of the family separation. The hours before and after family time can be difficult and foster carers must help children to cope with this emotional rollercoaster. 

When a decision is taken for children to return home or to live with a family member, there is usually a transitional period when foster carers help children prepare for this change. This is likely to involve direct contact with family members. It is important for a child to see how both foster carers and parents approach this in a positive manner, working together to ensure a gentle transition. As a foster carer, you will need to be sensitive to the family’s feelings as what will undoubtedly have been a traumatic period comes to an end. 

How do you say goodbye?

People often say they couldn’t foster because they could not cope with saying goodbye to a child they have cared for months, even years. Without a doubt, letting a child go is one of the most difficult parts of fostering. 

How can it not be? You let a child into your home and into your heart. You share moments that are precious. You laugh together and, occasionally, cry together.  If you have done your job well, there is a part of you in them that will always be there. 

Then, one day, it all comes to an end, as it must do. Bags are packed, a room is left empty. A car is loaded; there is barely time for one last hug. The front door closes and the house falls quiet. 

It gets no easier with experience and, of course, the departure of a foster child may affect a whole community of people, including the foster carer’s extended family, neighbours, and teachers and classmates at school. In foster care, ‘short-term’ can mean months or even years, which is a significant part of a young child’s life. 

Katie, who fosters for Trafford Council, says: “It is hardest when you say goodbye, particularly with babies. You have such a deep connection. The whole family feels the loss.” A big part of her role as a foster carer is helping her own children to understand why foster children are moving on. “It is never easy, but it helps to begin to prepare them as early as possible so they have time to process the changes they will feel in their own life.  

So yes, it is tough to say goodbye. But this is what fostering is all about. From the moment foster children enter your home, you are building a new future for them, giving them the life skills they need to reach their full potential and to live the lives they choose. 

Of course, it need not be the end. Hopefully, your relationship will endure beyond the time you have spent together. Many foster carers continue to be an important part of the lives of children they have looked after, well into adulthood. Children and young people return for visits, and involve their foster carers in significant moments in their lives. They will always have the memory books so lovingly compiled by their foster carers. One day, when they have families of their own, they will remember how it all began when you offered the chance for a different life. 

Keith, who fosters for Bolton Council, says it is important for prospective foster carers to understand that foster children often stay in touch. “The relationship you build can last a lifetime,” he says. “Lots of foster children stay in touch and become part of your extended family. It does not always end in goodbye.”

Questions to ask your fostering service

Choosing the right fostering service for you and your family is really important.  The relationship you have with the service will be much deeper and intimate than the relationship you have with, say, an employer, so you need to feel absolutely comfortable with the people and their values. Don’t be afraid to ask awkward questions and don’t accept unsatisfactory answers. If you don’t understand the language they use, ask them to explain again until you do. Here are some questions you should ask:

• Will I have any say over who my social worker is? Can I ask for a different one if we don’t get on?
• What happens if I feel that the relationship with a foster child has broken down?
• What happens if an allegation is made against me or a member of my family?
• How do I manage a young person’s mobile phone and laptop?
• What happens if my foster child needs specialist mental health support?
• How can I get cover if I need time away for a family issue?
• Can I still work if I foster?
• Do I need DBS checks for every family member?
• What additional insurance cover will I need?
• How quickly will you reimburse my expenses?  
• What is the situation regarding family pets?
• Can siblings share rooms when we go on holiday?
• What additional support do you offer if we foster three or four siblings? 

You might find that through these questions you can better understand your priorities and values as a foster carer. This is an opportunity for you to really understand the ins and outs of fostering before you make the decision to welcome a young person into your home.

What I wish I'd known before I started fostering

“The first time a child arrives at your house really is very like that John Lewis Christmas advert," say Geoff, who fosters for Stockport council with his wife.

"What is amazing is just how quickly it seems that they've always been there. Although the children are not ours of course, as much as it is possible we involve them in every aspect of our family life and it is just amazing to see the positive difference that you can make to a child. Without hesitation, my wife and I would both say that fostering has been the most rewarding thing we have ever done."

There is no life experience that can fully prepare you for fostering. You will be changing lives, but you will also be forever changed. You will begin to see things in a different way, to challenge some of the assumptions you have made about people and events. You may even see your own family history in a different light. 

You will begin to understand your own capacity for doing extraordinary things. You have reserves of strength and a determination to succeed that you probably don’t yet appreciate. You will feel exhausted, yet find a way to keep going. 

Fostering puts pressure on relationships with family and friends. Some friendships will endure but others may not. Some people will always be there for you and new relationships will evolve that will sustain you. The kindness of strangers will rock you, time and time again. 

You will learn that ‘family’ means different things to different people, and your own ‘family’ will inevitably flex and grow too. 

You will find that your capacity for love is infinite.